A letter to my future husband

Dear Future Husband ,

I don't know who you are yet but I don't think it is ever to early to start loving you. I always sit and wonder what you're doing and what you are  like .I want to know what we have in common and how we are different . I think about when will I finally meet you and how we will fall in love . I can help but also think about how it will be so different than any other guy I have dated before you and how special it will be . I cant wait to have that special love with you. I know this may sound a little crazy since I'm only 21 but sometimes I don't want just another date. I don't want to just give pieces of my heart away to any guy. I want to honor you my future husband by being a one-man woman. If you  my future husband , wherever you may be, could watch what I watch, know what I'm doing with other guys, and know my thoughts, I would want you to know that I am honoring and waiting for you. I would hate to know that you might be giving you body to another woman right now and lusting after other women. If I want you to wait for me then I will wait for you (even if you're not). I know  that you are an amazing man on the inside & out . Although being physically attractive is very important, your inside is what matters the most to me. I also know that you are going to  love God and he is the true one to bringing us together. Also know you are going to be strong in spirit . We are gonna go through hard and good  times,  support and be there , as well as ask for  help from each other . I wont be a  woman that is too independent and can "do it on her own" doesn't need a man. I feel like I'm going to need or be complete with you.   I cant wait until the day I finally meet you. Even thought I won't know that moment you are my future . I'm not expecting love at first sight. I'm excited what our future may hold and what our kids look like and where we will leave just all those happy things . I love you already . I just have this letter to you until we meet

So excited

So things are getting so much better . If is going real good I must say. Lately I have been loving makeup I just about $120 on it but i think its so worth it . i cant wait to go out and look super pretty. I learned how to do this the called highlighting . Its a real simple technique but it looks so pretty but also so calm. Now that I know how to do it ,  I see  it everywhere on celebs and now i know how to do it . I got alot of makeup from mac & nyx . I don't know if i like nyx yet because I just ordered it but i love mac. I also am getting this amazing phone case as a gift from cupid i cant wait to post pics of it . i am so hype for my makeup and phone aaahh.& that is great because i don't remember the last time I was excited . It sounds crazy but it feels great to really be excited and gitty about something i haven't felt it in so long  I missed it .

If I dont think about its like it didnt happen

You know when you're a kid and you close your eyes and you think because you cant see  no one can see you too. Well I don't know i have this sick ridic twist to this with my  fathers passing . I cant , can not handle people talking about him being gone , how things are different , just all those things get my choked up and upset. Yes I talk about my dad but not too deep I say I miss him I wish he can come back. I can  handle it when I bring it up but when I hear my mom mainly talk about how he is gone and its different it just upsets me . Its as if in my mind if I don't think about it I feel better like he is really isn't gone .I just miss my dad so much . I really do . I never realized how much I could ever miss a person. I cant never picture a  worst heart break than this finding out my daddy is really dead . I just was so surprised and I wasn't ready at all. All I keep saying is what am I supposed to do without my dad . Every time there a major happy that i will be happy will be bitter sweet because he is not there .Its been long enough I feel like it should feel real to me I should be able to talk about but I cant . its everyone else it dealing with it a normal way but I'm not its like i blocked it all out until that moment I'm reminded but those moments really hurt . I hate those moments .I wanna get tatted on my finger "I hate this " that basically sums up how I feel right now . I hate this

The adjustment

So its 3:21 and I cant sleep . Its been this way for a while now the non sleeping thing , but its so hard. Things haven't been so easy for me lately life without my dad is so different . Its so many different things that ate going through my head. I miss my him so much. Its like nothing is the same anymore. Sometimes  I just pretend he is on vacation and will be coming back in a long time .I know that isn't true though. Then tonight I came up with this ridiculous idea that we shouldn't have em bombed him or buried him so he could come back . As if we didn't do those things someone how a miracle could happen and he would just come alive from the dead but that isn't real. I was just speaking alot when I was saying this and it really upset cupid. He didn't know what to say . He just thought I was crazy. I know i did sound crazy. Then I start thinking of other stupid things like is there really heaven how do we know ? Or why would god do this to my family , does he really love us ? I know the answers for both of theses questions but I was just thinking aloud being crazy.This whole thing hurts. I still cant believe this happened . I never thought something like this could ever happen to me at least not at this age. The crazy thing is  I somewhat had a vision of my dad's funeral . I was at this other ministers funeral who had died young. When i saw his family walk down the middle of the church in that instant i saw my dad in the casket and saw my family walking .That's when I started to cry , and i was going to talk to my dad about his health when I got home but i didn't . I just brushed it off like oh it was nothing you know .Lately I have been thinking of the last time me and my dad were having a heart to heart about my attitude . He was asking me if I was ok and saying i needed to change my attitude and I was trying to be so hard and not break down. He started to tell me how much he loved me and would do anything for me and started to cry. I didn't want to cry but I cried too . I was trying to hold it back so hard but i couldn't help it . But I didn't say I love you too or say I would try to do better. I regret not doing that . But I know my dad knew I loved him . I just miss him so much . I want him back so bad.

R.I.P Daddy

Jan 10 was one of the worst days of my life . It started as a normal day then it took a terrible turn. It started with a phone call from my grandpa saying my dad was in the hospital . He had been in the hospital before so I was concerned but not really . I tried to contact my mom but she wasn't answering but when she finally did she didn't really have any answers. Then the next thing I know my aunt was coming over me and my sister both knew something was wrong . then I was just in shock. All i wanted to know what had happened to my dad & saying don't tell me something is wrong with my dad , this cant be real. For the first time my knees went weak I really couldn't stand . I just wanted my mom but she wasn't there . I didn't wanna be touched I didn't know what to think I couldn't think I was just so upset.

This whole thing feels so unreal to me . I cant believe my dad is gone . I miss him so much i. I just thank god for having such a good dad . He was the perfect example,e of how a man should treat his wife and his children, I know he loved me, sister  and my mom so much . my dad was the most amazing man. He was just so loving , caring and selfless He is the one who taught me my self worth & put me on the pedestal . No can say anything bad about him . yes he wasn't perfect but no one is . I don't really know how life is gonna be without him .I'm dreading going to the funeral. I'm just dreading any major and non major event . Its not gonna be the same its gonna be so sad . I still cant believe he is really gone .I just keep wishing he will walk through the door so i can run & hug him . I would do anything just to have him back i mean anything. Its hard to write this. Its still feels somewhat unreal. I feel as if he is on vacation even though he has been gone a week. I do miss him so much though. I would do anything to have him back . Just anything for a few moments with him . But the good thing is that I'll see him again in heaven . I love you rest in peace daddy .

New Years Resolutions

New Years Resolutions we all have them . I'm going to list mine just for a reminder thought the year .

1. Lose weight
2. Be more mild mannered
3. Show more love to receive love
4. Rid my life of negative
5. Be more faithful

Over the top Lolita ! Love it !!