If I dont think about its like it didnt happen

You know when you're a kid and you close your eyes and you think because you cant see  no one can see you too. Well I don't know i have this sick ridic twist to this with my  fathers passing . I cant , can not handle people talking about him being gone , how things are different , just all those things get my choked up and upset. Yes I talk about my dad but not too deep I say I miss him I wish he can come back. I can  handle it when I bring it up but when I hear my mom mainly talk about how he is gone and its different it just upsets me . Its as if in my mind if I don't think about it I feel better like he is really isn't gone .I just miss my dad so much . I really do . I never realized how much I could ever miss a person. I cant never picture a  worst heart break than this finding out my daddy is really dead . I just was so surprised and I wasn't ready at all. All I keep saying is what am I supposed to do without my dad . Every time there a major happy that i will be happy will be bitter sweet because he is not there .Its been long enough I feel like it should feel real to me I should be able to talk about but I cant . its everyone else it dealing with it a normal way but I'm not its like i blocked it all out until that moment I'm reminded but those moments really hurt . I hate those moments .I wanna get tatted on my finger "I hate this " that basically sums up how I feel right now . I hate this

The adjustment

So its 3:21 and I cant sleep . Its been this way for a while now the non sleeping thing , but its so hard. Things haven't been so easy for me lately life without my dad is so different . Its so many different things that ate going through my head. I miss my him so much. Its like nothing is the same anymore. Sometimes  I just pretend he is on vacation and will be coming back in a long time .I know that isn't true though. Then tonight I came up with this ridiculous idea that we shouldn't have em bombed him or buried him so he could come back . As if we didn't do those things someone how a miracle could happen and he would just come alive from the dead but that isn't real. I was just speaking alot when I was saying this and it really upset cupid. He didn't know what to say . He just thought I was crazy. I know i did sound crazy. Then I start thinking of other stupid things like is there really heaven how do we know ? Or why would god do this to my family , does he really love us ? I know the answers for both of theses questions but I was just thinking aloud being crazy.This whole thing hurts. I still cant believe this happened . I never thought something like this could ever happen to me at least not at this age. The crazy thing is  I somewhat had a vision of my dad's funeral . I was at this other ministers funeral who had died young. When i saw his family walk down the middle of the church in that instant i saw my dad in the casket and saw my family walking .That's when I started to cry , and i was going to talk to my dad about his health when I got home but i didn't . I just brushed it off like oh it was nothing you know .Lately I have been thinking of the last time me and my dad were having a heart to heart about my attitude . He was asking me if I was ok and saying i needed to change my attitude and I was trying to be so hard and not break down. He started to tell me how much he loved me and would do anything for me and started to cry. I didn't want to cry but I cried too . I was trying to hold it back so hard but i couldn't help it . But I didn't say I love you too or say I would try to do better. I regret not doing that . But I know my dad knew I loved him . I just miss him so much . I want him back so bad.

R.I.P Daddy

Jan 10 was one of the worst days of my life . It started as a normal day then it took a terrible turn. It started with a phone call from my grandpa saying my dad was in the hospital . He had been in the hospital before so I was concerned but not really . I tried to contact my mom but she wasn't answering but when she finally did she didn't really have any answers. Then the next thing I know my aunt was coming over me and my sister both knew something was wrong . then I was just in shock. All i wanted to know what had happened to my dad & saying don't tell me something is wrong with my dad , this cant be real. For the first time my knees went weak I really couldn't stand . I just wanted my mom but she wasn't there . I didn't wanna be touched I didn't know what to think I couldn't think I was just so upset.

This whole thing feels so unreal to me . I cant believe my dad is gone . I miss him so much i. I just thank god for having such a good dad . He was the perfect example,e of how a man should treat his wife and his children, I know he loved me, sister  and my mom so much . my dad was the most amazing man. He was just so loving , caring and selfless He is the one who taught me my self worth & put me on the pedestal . No can say anything bad about him . yes he wasn't perfect but no one is . I don't really know how life is gonna be without him .I'm dreading going to the funeral. I'm just dreading any major and non major event . Its not gonna be the same its gonna be so sad . I still cant believe he is really gone .I just keep wishing he will walk through the door so i can run & hug him . I would do anything just to have him back i mean anything. Its hard to write this. Its still feels somewhat unreal. I feel as if he is on vacation even though he has been gone a week. I do miss him so much though. I would do anything to have him back . Just anything for a few moments with him . But the good thing is that I'll see him again in heaven . I love you rest in peace daddy .

New Years Resolutions

New Years Resolutions we all have them . I'm going to list mine just for a reminder thought the year .

1. Lose weight
2. Be more mild mannered
3. Show more love to receive love
4. Rid my life of negative
5. Be more faithful

Over the top Lolita ! Love it !!

Cutest Sweet Lolita Pics !!!

This is so adorable . I love the baby carriage !

I especially love this one because she is a black Lolita ,I wanna try one day so bad !

Marriage before you live = NO

Marriage ! I always believed in marriage . I have watched my parents and my whole family they all have amazing marriages and i want that for myself one day . The thing is I don't know how i feel about marriage for women in their early /mid 20's . I just don't feel at this stage in your life that you have lived enough been through enough to be ready for marriage. I'm not saying this for all but for most . The 20's is the time for women to live and experience things . Get that first apartment or home , go on vacation with your friends ,basically do whatever you want to do without restriction. Get that independent on your own find out who you are be all about you sometimes .Reality TV has alot to blame with this new craze of younger women wanting to get married which is so funny to me because its not even the younger stars getting married . All theses women look at Kim & khloe kardashian and think i want that wedding & the fairytale .I have to be honest I once wanted this fairy tale but what the reality is it isnt the best for everyone and most . I thought yeah i can fall in love and get married in a month . But the reality of it all is these women lived life already experienced things on their own and i doubt if they hadn't they wouldn't have gotten married.  My bestie has been coming obsessed with marriage & its so annoying . She hasn't been with her boyfriend that long on and off for two years . I don't know what she is thinking but two years isn't that serious outside of high school it is the serious too us but two others maybe not  . Some people are engaged for two year. I think her getting married would be the worst idea. Also in her relationship there are some signs that should show her its all wrong but she chooses to ignore. she thinks her two years with him is serious & it is a major step but u have to think  he has been with his ex for 5 . I'm just gonna be perfectly honest i don't feel like he is into her as much as she is into him but then again I'm on the outside looking in.I don't think she should dump him but she needs to enjoy dating him but also live her life  .Any women who has never had her own life should not get married . i know i wouldn't at least go from my parents house to a man house .  I want to know how to be on my own first do my own thing. Being an independent woman is very important to me maybe because I grow up in a family of women who were independent lived before marriage . Marriage isn't just a cake walk . You give so much up with marriage and usually the women gives up way more than the man  . Marriage before you lived should be a big no . Live your life first ladies before you decided to share it with someone else .

Need of new love

I'm in a tough situation . I have two men in my life . Two men that i care a lot about each . But at the same time its not really working out with either . I know it would be alot better if i got rid of both .However I have no idea how i want to do that .I want to go into the new year fresh looking for new love not holding and hoping for old love that didn't work last year . So why would it work this year . I have to figure out what to do .How do you let go when your realize love isn't always enough ?

twitter !!

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Hello 2012

So first & foremost I would like to say Happy New Year everyone . This last year 2011 had a lot of ups and downs but I'm happy I made it through and I'm so excited for what this new year is going to bring . I haven't updated for a while so I guess I should give a quick catch up. Well its my last semester of bcc thank god . I have a new job at office max . Its not my all time fav but its money and it could be worst . I work with some cool ppl so i don't mind. Babycakes is still in the picture saying he is wanting to change , cupid is also . Things have been somewhat rocking with him but in this new year we are determined to start a new . Honestly I'm hoping to done with both soon but I have to figure it out soon. So we might as well just count them out .

But now time for the new year  I'm so excited to start this new year with new adventures .I should be transferring to a new school and new adventure. I'm hoping its a school in new york but I feel like I'm slacking when it comes to applying . I need to get into it.  I also am looking forward to possibly getting a better job . I just wanna fill some paper work & get paid $10 to do it, or better yet have a fashion job.  This year is also going to be about being a better me . I wanna lose weight look fab. I want nothing but positive love and light in my life . So far its starting off good but its only been two days .Cant wait to see what this new year brings and I promise to blog more .