The adjustment

So its 3:21 and I cant sleep . Its been this way for a while now the non sleeping thing , but its so hard. Things haven't been so easy for me lately life without my dad is so different . Its so many different things that ate going through my head. I miss my him so much. Its like nothing is the same anymore. Sometimes  I just pretend he is on vacation and will be coming back in a long time .I know that isn't true though. Then tonight I came up with this ridiculous idea that we shouldn't have em bombed him or buried him so he could come back . As if we didn't do those things someone how a miracle could happen and he would just come alive from the dead but that isn't real. I was just speaking alot when I was saying this and it really upset cupid. He didn't know what to say . He just thought I was crazy. I know i did sound crazy. Then I start thinking of other stupid things like is there really heaven how do we know ? Or why would god do this to my family , does he really love us ? I know the answers for both of theses questions but I was just thinking aloud being crazy.This whole thing hurts. I still cant believe this happened . I never thought something like this could ever happen to me at least not at this age. The crazy thing is  I somewhat had a vision of my dad's funeral . I was at this other ministers funeral who had died young. When i saw his family walk down the middle of the church in that instant i saw my dad in the casket and saw my family walking .That's when I started to cry , and i was going to talk to my dad about his health when I got home but i didn't . I just brushed it off like oh it was nothing you know .Lately I have been thinking of the last time me and my dad were having a heart to heart about my attitude . He was asking me if I was ok and saying i needed to change my attitude and I was trying to be so hard and not break down. He started to tell me how much he loved me and would do anything for me and started to cry. I didn't want to cry but I cried too . I was trying to hold it back so hard but i couldn't help it . But I didn't say I love you too or say I would try to do better. I regret not doing that . But I know my dad knew I loved him . I just miss him so much . I want him back so bad.