If I dont think about its like it didnt happen

You know when you're a kid and you close your eyes and you think because you cant see  no one can see you too. Well I don't know i have this sick ridic twist to this with my  fathers passing . I cant , can not handle people talking about him being gone , how things are different , just all those things get my choked up and upset. Yes I talk about my dad but not too deep I say I miss him I wish he can come back. I can  handle it when I bring it up but when I hear my mom mainly talk about how he is gone and its different it just upsets me . Its as if in my mind if I don't think about it I feel better like he is really isn't gone .I just miss my dad so much . I really do . I never realized how much I could ever miss a person. I cant never picture a  worst heart break than this finding out my daddy is really dead . I just was so surprised and I wasn't ready at all. All I keep saying is what am I supposed to do without my dad . Every time there a major happy that i will be happy will be bitter sweet because he is not there .Its been long enough I feel like it should feel real to me I should be able to talk about but I cant . its everyone else it dealing with it a normal way but I'm not its like i blocked it all out until that moment I'm reminded but those moments really hurt . I hate those moments .I wanna get tatted on my finger "I hate this " that basically sums up how I feel right now . I hate this